Holding On...

First of all, I want to say thank you to my faithful readers. I know my readership is down because I haven't been blogging much, especially in the way of new material. Just some inspirational and fun emails recycled lately for your enjoyment...I know, I know.

I kind of feel like the author of Ecclesiastes..."There is nothing new under the sun." Everything I've had to say, I've either already said, or find someone who says it so much better than I do.

Honestly, these health issues are draining me dry. And I don't want to come here and make bold and forceful statements of faith when I never know from one day to the next how well I will live out my own words.

I care too much for you to be fake right now.

My faith is sure in this one thing: I have faith and trust in God, NO MATTER WHAT.

It's the no matter what part that causes my grip to slip now and then.

For instance, after all the treatment I've received in the last two months, the doctors are no closer to finding out what is wrong than I am (maybe that's why it's called "medical practice"?).

In fact, some of the treatments have left me in MORE pain than I was in. And it is so hard to be in constant pain and not let it get to you, you know?? So, even though I trust Him, only He knows the final outcome.

And that's fine...kind of. Because I want to know if I'll ever be well again. I want to know if this is going to leave me disabled. I want to know if it will keep me from holding my job.

Some days, not having my job would be a blessing! Until time for paychecks to come...and then it wouldn't be such a blessing:-) But I enjoyed my forced time off...gave me time to focus on my home, my kids, and my health.

I just know that I'm not all I can be because of illness and pain, and I want to give Him so much more, and be so much more, and serve so much more...that I end up frustrated.

And slightly depressed.

Once in awhile, like Job's long lost sister.....twice removed.....but my bull's eye isn't quite as big as his was.....actually, I'm just feeling sorry for me.

So, pray for me. I miss blogging. I miss creating. And I miss all of you. Your comments are sometimes God's perfect love letters to me through you.

And keep my doctors in your prayers. Not only do they have to deal with me, but they have to figure out what's wrong with me....and that's not an easy task, even when I'm well:-)

For those who are curious, I have another round of shots in my back in mid-January, another blood pressure check on January 2, and a biopsy on January 18th. I appreciate your care for me.

And I remain your humble, and slightly nutty servant...

Deena