The Space Between...

Welcome to a brand, new year...2008.

Remember when we thought we'd never see 2000, let alone be eight years into the new century??

Entering a new year always causes me to reflect back on my spiritual journey of the previous 365 days. This year is no different, yet in some ways my reflections are a bit more...reflective, shall we say?

The last few months have been one health issue after another for me, beginning way back in late August. I re-injured my back, which resulted in possible surgery. An MRI was ordered, which revealed major damage to my back...

...and a cyst on my left ovary. Which led to an ultrasound that revealed an abnormality in the lining of my uterus. So I was referred to an ob/gyn for further tests, and was referred for spinal epidural steroid injections on my back.

Saw the ob/gyn, which led to lab work and a request for a uterine biopsy. Because I had been naughty and never had a mammogram, one was ordered for me. Not happy about it, I almost didn't go.

But I've always done what I'm told, even when I don't like it. So I went. The next day, I got a call from the imaging center...they found a lump the size of a pearl in my right breast, and need more images.

That's a phone call you can think about, but when it comes, you don't react in any way like you thought you would. Time stops for a brief moment, and then your heart races and your mind runs rampant down all the possible roads that now lay before you.

I went in yesterday for my follow-up views...and it wasn't just a shadow. It wasn't just a density in the tissue. It is a genuine, "let's take a better look at this" lump. Next up, another ultrasound, and then, if it is warranted, a needle biopsy.

Through all of this boring, repetitive stuff, I've made an astounding discovery about myself. Something that both reassures me and perplexes me at the same time. I'm not quite sure what it says about me...so feel free to comment on this...

...but I must warn you, I'm not in the mood for lectures or rebukes. My emotions and my body are both very tender right now, so if you cannot talk to me in love, then please, for pity's sake, be silent right now.

What I have found is that I have total assurance that, no matter what comes my way through this or anything else life has for me, I'm going to be fine. God has it all in His hands, and He is already ahead of me, making a way for me to walk.

What I find so perplexing about that is this: it isn't the I'm fine part of it that has me knotted up inside...it is those three words in between the I'm and the fine...it's the "going to be" part of it.

See, I know that if I don't have breast cancer (those are hard words to type...excuse me for a moment.................................)...if I don't have it, I'll be fine. I also know that if I do have it, I'll still be fine.

It's the journey between I'm and fine that leaves me feeling breathless, overwhelmed, and a little dizzy right now. It doesn't really comfort me to be told what I already know...I KNOW I'll be fine. I am fine.

It's the unknown of the "going to be" part that has my heart racing at moments in the day...my eyes filling with tears unexpectedly when I'm doing my household work...my throat in a vice when I try to tell my husband what I'm feeling...my emotions on a swing when I give myself that "spiritual talking to".

I have such huge faith and trust in God at this juncture of my journey that I'm amazed at myself. This is a huge turning point for me in my faith walk. But now, as I face whatever is out there ahead of me in my health issues, I find that it's that space in between that still causes me pause...that still has me asking, "What are you going up there, Father?"...that still causes me to tremble in my not knowing.

I have this sense that the Father holds me even closer at those in between moments. That He gives me more grace. That He hears me better than ever. That He doesn't just walk with me, but He picks me up at those moments. That He doesn't rebuke, but He restores my soul.

That His love for me means far more at those in between moments. And so does my faith in Him. Because I know the one who stands in between me and my fear...and He is mightier than anything that life can throw at me.

Pray for those who stand in between the I'm and the fine. It's a hard place to stand, but through His grace and strength...we will stand.

I will let you know the ultimate outcome of this latest health dilemma. Please pray for me that God's will be done, and that I can walk where He leads me to walk. Because, when it comes right down to it, I have peace, and yet I feel so fearful. I know, I'm odd.

But you love me......right?

In Him, be blessed.

Deena

P.S. I can't promise I will be blogging much, but I will try. So don't give up on me just yet:-)