Fear Not, For I Am With You Always....

As I mentioned in my last post, the road to Fort Bragg was hazardous. Twists and turns like I have never seen, and while beautiful, there was always a hint of danger.

At first the curves were just frequent. With high hills on either side of us, I remembered my dad working in those hills. He drove a dump truck at first, then graduated to an 18 wheeler.

Rock slides happened often in the summer; mud slides occurred in the winter. Clear Lake became a part of my vocabulary in my teens, since that was where Dad often was for days at a time. Now I could see why.

One good rock shift and it all could come tumbling down on us as we drove by. But I was only mildly nervous.

Then we left Willits, and the road took a turn for the worse. Oh, they had recently repaved the road--they just hadn't bothered to widen it for me:-) Thirty miles took us over an hour, with speeds as high as 20 miles an hour required for most of the trip.

Deep redwood lined gullies on one side; high redwood lined ridges on the other. And about two inches of asphalt between us and "them"...the crazy drivers. We met none on the road there, but several on the road home.

I was so tense when we finally entered Fort Bragg that it took me until the next day to finally unwind. By Saturday I had finally begun to enjoy myself on the weekend that almost wasn't.

See, as if that wasn't enough, I had already picked two fights with my husband before we left, and used them as excuses to not even go on the trip.

Why? Why would I do that? I had longed to get away from everything and to go to the coast. Why in the world would I sabotage my vacation plans?

Fear.

I'd never been to Fort Bragg before. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know exactly where we were going. I had never left my kids like that before, and for that long.

And I was afraid.

As we walked along the huge rocks of Glass Beach, I found myself talking to Dave as if he was a little boy instead of a full grown man: "Don't get to close to the edge! What if you fall?" I wasn't seeing the beauty; I was only seeing the danger.

As he strolled along Noyo Point, I couldn't watch...the rocks were too big, and what if his foot slipped? What if he fell? What if...something happened to him, to us, and we didn't make it home?

It might sound silly to you, but I realized this weekend that much of my life is controlled by "What If?" I live for the God of "What If?", and he keeps me in fear. Constant, gut-clenching, teeth grinding fear.

I love God. I adore Him. I long to be with Him. I'm thanking Him for all He does every day in my life.

But I don't completely trust Him.

And that is why I live in fear. But I long to be like the one who wrote in Scripture, "Thou He slay me, yet I will trust in Him." Remember Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednigo from the book of Daniel? Remember what they said?

"We will not bow down to your idol, O great King. We worship only the One True God, and He will protect us from your fiery furnace. AND EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, we will still trust in Him."

EVEN IF HE DOES WHAT WE THINK HE WON'T DO, it doesn't matter to us. We still trust Him. Oh, how I long for that kind of faith!!

Instead I find myself so fearful---

Fearful of rejection

Fearful of loss

Fearful of not having enough, or having too much

Fearful of failure

Fearful of harm to myself, or to those I love

Fearful of the future, and of the present as well

Fearful. Full of fear. That's me.

And it almost ruined a wonderful weekend. Pray for me, as I must conquer this fear. I'm afraid I can't. But I'm trusting Him that I can.

Be blessed, and fear not...but if you do, I understand.

Deena