Fix My Eyes, Lord, On the Prize!

This is going to be a difficult post to write. It's already my third attempt. But the words just won't flow. So I'm going to stop trying to hide behind them and be honest.

Be warned.

Last night we saw Todd Agnew in concert, but it was more of a worship experience than entertainment. I love Todd because he is so gutwrenchingly honest, even to the point of offense at times.

He has a new album coming out next month that he has taken a lot of flack over...from people who believe. Which has heightened my curiosity, naturally:-) One of the songs on the album he performed last night.

It talks of a war of the soul. Of how we want to do good, but end up doing evil. And he talked of how there is so much evil in this world, and how even when we as God's people are in pain or are so full of anger, or so captivated by joy...we stay in our perfect images of what a Christian is supposed to be, hiding behind it and staying to plastic to be of any use to Him.

Then we worshipped. It was glorious. It was needed. I was finally able to bask in His glory.

And then I woke up this morning.

It's only 7:30 AM, and I've already been in a fight with my husband. Twice. Claimed to be right, when I knew I was wrong. Let pride take over. And set the tone for this wonderful summer day---oh, joy.

What happened, God? Where did that genuine joy go? What is this thing that is now holding me in it's grip? I didn't wake up this morning thinking, "Oh, I just feel like sinning real good today. Let's kick it off with a good one, shall we, satan?"

So why did I do it? Why was it so hard to apologize? And why did I do it anyway?

God, I want so much to be what You mean for me to be. I want to be in Your presence always. I say that, and I mean it, and then I go and choose sin. Shame on me!

So, here's my prayer, and I realize it's a dangerous one. But after having a taste of Him last night I find I long for more, even more than before. I so long for Heaven that I can barely stand it.

God, break me. Make me so tender toward You that the slightest sin in my life drives me to my knees in agony til I confess it and make it right. Shave off the calloused portions of my soul, for I know they are there, and make it shiny and new and raw, so that only Your Spirit and Your healing balm will satisfy me.

I don't care what it takes, Lord. I through myself open to You. I will be as real as I know how to be, and the world will just have to learn to live with me as Your child, open and honest. If I offend, let it be on Your behalf and not on mine, Lord.

I love You. I long to be with You. I'm so sick of this world that we have made in our own image. I want to be Home, God. I sense a shift in the winds of the world, and it makes me ache all the more for You and Your presence.

Clear my vision. Fix my eyes, Lord, on the prize. The prize of eternity and Your presence and Your voice saying, "Good job, Deena! I adore You and I've longed for You to be with me. Come on in, Sweet Thing!"

Whatever it takes, Lord. No more plastic Christianity in my life. No more lies. No more masks. No more hiding. And now, God...I'm really scared! But I want it so badly I can taste it.

In Jesus' name, amen.

Pray for me. This will be hard. So hard. But I want it, with tears in my eyes and my heart pounding out of my chest, I want it.

Deena