To Thine Own Self, Be True...

A lot of people comment on how real I am. How transparent I appear on my blog, and in person.

My final life lesson from our vacation is the most important, and the most difficult to share. But it hit me in the face like a wet towel on a hot day...shocking, yet surprisingly refreshing:-)

Our last day of vacation was Sunday, and we had planned to visit a local church we'd been told about. We usually go to church on vacation, but for some reason I felt very resentful about having to go.

Which was odd. I adore worshipping God, and I love church. True, I hate new places and being in groups where I don't know anyone, but Dave was with me, and I knew him. So it bothered me that I didn't want to go to church.

As we got up and showered and prepared to leave the motel...I found myself fussing with my hair, making sure I wore my best clothes and that they weren't wrinkled or too tight. For the first time in days I put on makeup.

I fussed and primped, then we left and went to breakfast. At breakfast I broke down sobbing, but didn't know why. I excused myself and went to the restroom to compose and wash up, then touched up my makeup and returned to our table.

But a heavy sadness clung to me like toilet paper on my shoe...I couldn't see it, but I knew it was there, and I couldn't quite get it off of me.

We went to church, and while not totally comfortable, it was enjoyable. I received a good word from the pastor, and my husband got to meet his "twin" (long story!!). Then we left for one last walk on the beach.

Dave drove us back to our access point we'd discovered the night before. The wind was kicking up, so the waves were excellent...lots of foam as they crashed the shore and the rocks...and lots of whitecaps.

It was cold, so I wrapped up in my outer shirt, and kicked off my sandals. Out came the combs holding my hair, and I forgot about my nice white tank top and how snug it was, and didn't worry about crying off my make-up any longer.

We spent an hour there, exploring, walking in the edge of the surf, snapping picture, and I soaked in every moment like a sponge. As I stood there, praising God, I felt so alive and so....

Me.

And it hit me. I knew what the great sadness was. I knew why I sobbed at breakfast and couldn't seem to stop. I knew why I didn't want to go to church.

It was because, as real as I try to be...I'm still not me. I still hide behind a false shadow of what I'm supposed to be. And when we prepared for church that morning, I was putting on a front I hadn't worn all weekend. The hair just right, the make-up just so...and what would people think of me playing in my head.

And it broke my heart.

Because I realized I'm not the only one. We try to be genuine.

We work at it, wanting to be real and approachable and relevant.

But sometimes the masks we have worn have become such a part of our lives, that God has to get us out of our element to get us to realize just how plastic we have become.

He had to take me to the beach, to the one place where I totally lose myself in abandon to Him and become like a little child again--no pretense, no false anything--to get me to see that I'm still playing a role.

And when I felt myself slipping back into that role, albeit for good reasons (to represent my husband, church and God well), it was so painful that it made my soul cry out. Hence, the uncontrollable tears.

I've been weepy all week long. I'm battling what I felt that weekend and how to incorporate it into my life. I'm fighting for all I'm worth, and I feel like I'm losing.

See, I'm funny. But I'm also moody. I'm creative. But I'm also forgetful. I'm loving, but I can be harsh. I'm dedicated, but I can flake for no apparent reason. I'm prone to panic attacks, depression, and I struggle with Chronic Fatigue and R.A., as well as some other hormonal driven syndromes.

I love God, but I can get frustrated with Him. I'm amazed at His wondrous creation, and people get on my nerves. I'm a loner who longs to be loved for who I am, and I know I'm difficult to get along with, but deep down believe I'm totally worth the effort if people will just give me a chance.

I'm complex, but simple. I'm deep, but can be oh so shallow! I love Big Daddy Weave, and Casting Crowns...and Bon Jovi and Brad Paisley and Def Leppard. I love Christian fiction, and a good murder mystery. I want to be healthy, and I need chocolate so bad if the laptop was a Hershey bar it would be G.O.N.E.

I'm also very long-winded, but hopefully you've hung in there til now.

Being real is what we are called to do, which makes it so incredibly complicated. The enemy knows the world is looking for genuine believers who make a difference yet are flawed enough that they can approach without fear of judgement.

So the enemy binds us up in expectations, images, perspectives and a whole host of other shadow things to keep us from impacting our world for Jesus. And I'm sick of it. It's wearing me out, and I feel so pointless.

Pray for me. I don't want to lose what I received at the beach...but I can feel him lurking, snatching at it, and planting things to grow and take the place of what God has given me. I'm in a battle...and I plan to win. But I will need prayer support.

Sorry for the long post. Hope it was worth it.

Be blessed, and be His...that's all He asks...He'll do the rest for you.

Deena