I'm Laying It Down...

I've FINALLY figured out what has been mucking up my brain lately!! We have a breakthrough here!

But it's kinda sad, really. I mean, I've been here before. I should have recognized the terrain...but I didn't.

See, I'm the kind of person who is more than sympathetic. I tend to be very empathetic (as opposed to PATHETIC...but we won't go there:-). Hence, my picture above.

No, it's not me...although I do look quite a bit like Deanna Troi...if she gained a smidgen of weight and it kinda settled on her backside...but I digress once again...

See, she was on Star Trek: The Next Generation, and she was ship's counselor. But she was unique in that she could feel what others felt. Sometimes, it was too much for her and she had a meltdown.

Now, as for me...I'm not a true empath. But I do tend to put myself in other's shoes, which can be, as Mr. Monk says, a blessing...and a curse.

It gets so bad that I have to be careful what I watch on television and which movies I see. Very, very, VERY few true stories for me. Can't handle it.

And I don't just read books...I get lost in them. The deeper the storyline, the harder it is for me to re-surface in our world. Fantasy works like The Lord of the Rings can actually give me a Hobbit hangover if I stay in the book too long:-)

I pick up on feelings very quickly, and am so sensitive that a slight change in tone and I can read into anything. And when I care, I care deeply...sometimes too deeply.

My husband used to tease me that world hunger and the war in Iraq, yes, they were all my fault, as well as any evil or wrong in his life and the lives of our children, because I would take it all on myself all too often.

Our family is undergoing some changes, and so is our church family. I've been internalizing everything and the weight of it all is smushing me. That's why I've felt as if I was disappearing...I kinda was.

But I've realized that all of it is sin, because I haven't been following God's lead, but my own. It's been as if I'm saying, "You know what, God...I know You're busy, so I'll just get this over here, and You don't worry about it. I've got it covered."

When you stop laughing...realize that is what we say when we plunge ahead, using our gifts without consulting the Gift-giver...which is all too easy to do. Because I believe God gifted me with my empathy/sympathy/discernment...I just get carried away with it.

So, I'm laying down all the burdens I've been carrying that aren't mine to carry. I have a specific load that is designed for me, and carrying it builds faith and character. Carrying the loads of others demonstrates a lack of faith and makes me QUITE a character...just not one I like being!

It also shows a lack of faith, not just in God, but in those I care about. I don't trust them to know their limits, to know when to ask for help, and to know what's best. Ultimately, it's an insult to them...and I don't want to do that to anyone.

I'm trusting God to let me know when to turn it on, so to speak. My radar isn't going completely dark, but it is no longer on high alert. So maybe I can be myself again...as obnoxious as I am:-)

Be blessed, and be a blessing!

Deena