I have a very bad habit--maybe you have the same one. Quite simply, my mouth writes checks that my body can't cash. I have wonderful intentions, but no follow-thru.
Take this weekend for example. A dear sister at our church is about to become a grandmother again, and she graciously invited me to the baby shower. I fully intended to go.
I RSVP'd as a "yes", bought a cute gift, and then ended up feeling as if a truck had run over me, then backed up to see what he had hit. I ended up sleeping 36 out of the last 48 hours...and I still hurt so bad I could cry.
I'm older, my body has been through major back surgery, and I have two if not three auto-immune diseases that I fight on a regular basis. Some of the health scares that I've dealt with have crept up on my like London fog; others have hit like a tsunami of bone-level weariness and pain.
While I have the best of intentions, I feel like a flake. And it's all because I just can't bring myself to say no--to my friends, my family, my work, and my church. So I overcommit, then have to bail, and feel like a horrible person.
No is just such a negative word. It implies negativity just by its very nature. It is short and to the point, and hearing it can be short and pointed. I don't like being told no; how can I tell someone else no??
And yet Scripture plainly teaches me that my yes needs to be yes and my no to be no (James 5:12). So to say yes when I know I need to say no...to say yes when I know I need to allow for a no...that is sin.
So, help me out...how are you at saying no? What are some less painful ways you've found to say no? And is it ok for me to say no?
Weigh in here...leave a comment.
Be blessed, and be thankful for your blessings today.
Deena
Monday, May 21, 2007
The Art of Saying "No"...
Posted by Deena Peterson at 7:44 AM
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4 comments:
Im with you sister! We live in a "Yes" world. I say "yes" so often that I find myself in the stage of chronic overcommitment over and over.I actually think that Im doing someone a favor by saying "Yes". The problem is that many times I do so with half a heart. Gosh, sometimes I even feel resentful.
My husband is so good when it comes to helping me out. He looks at my calendar and says, "Your way to busy", and then helps me to undo some of the mess Im in.
Im slowly learning to simply say, "I will get back to you", and then praying about it. I am impulsive by nature and so this is easier said than done.
Oh I can so relate! I used to do this all the time too. I now do it to a much lesser degree. Several years ago, I approached critical mass and major burnout happened and it's just not pleasant for anyone. I had to learn the fine art of saying no.
Some ways to make it easier ...
Never say yes OR no on the spot. Always say "let me pray about it" and then really pray about it. God is pretty good about showing us how much we can bite off and still chew.
I also routinely say I need to check with my husband's schedule. That gives me time to really check and see what's coming up to see if I can fit in whatever it is. Also, my husband is pretty good about being objective about these things so I always ask him "Honey, do you think I can fit this in?" and he'll tell me all I've got going or encourage me to accept. I've learned to trust his judgment. It's pretty good! After all, God made him the head of the household for a reason and I think God gives husbands a special wisdom that we don't often enough give them credit for.
If you do know you have to say no, you can always listen intently, and then say "Wwhat a great idea that is!" or Oh that sounds like so muh fun! Unfortunately, I must decline because I have so much on my plate at the moment, I can't fit in one more thing. But thank you for thinking of me!" And you know, when I RSVP for something, I don't offer a reason. The invitor really doesn't need to know why (or usually care) they just want to know how many chairs to set out kwim? I simply call and say "I thank you for the invitation and I'm calling to RSVP and let you know that I'll not be able to attend. I hope it's a great shower/party/event/barbecue!"
And finally, remember not to succumb to the tyrrany of the urgent. Everything is urgent! Everything Must! Be! Done! Now! But even things that are a great cause aren't necessarily something YOU have to do. I now really try to pray, sometimes for as long as possible, before I commit or decline something, especially if it's a time consuming project or role. (Not so much with parties and such, I just have to check my calendar and see what hubby has planned on his schedule for those) but I think you know what I mean.
Find out what God wants you to do and do that with your whole heart and don't feel like you have to give an answer right this minute or that you have to be a slave to all the urgent things. Rather focus on the IMPORTANT things and it makes it a little easier ot know what to say yes to and what to say no to. HTH!
Great advice from veronica and Merci! Don't have much to add except with people that know me and know my condition I am honest and say I want to be there and do that (whatever it is) but if you need a firm committment then you need to count me out because I never know down the road if I am going to be physically able to fulfill my "yes". Those that don't me or I don't want to explain the situation, I say no and have learned over the years, its okay.
And then I feel like the biggest let down on the face of the planet...:( I've been struggling with this for what seems like forever... sometimes I get better and then it's all down hill again... :(
so I know what you mean, but I have no advice.. I think others have covered it though... :)
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