A Long Post From My Heart Tonight...

I miss my mom.

Next month, she will have been in Heaven for 10 months. It feels like forever, and yet it doesn't feel real yet.

I'm finding out I still have a lot of anger toward my brother and my sisters. I'm having a very hard time letting go of things that happened after mom died.

Mom was more than just my mom. I was a late in life baby, and an oddball among my peers (still am), so it was just me, Mom and Dad. And, while I loved my dad, I adored my mom.

Dad was John Wayne, Jerry Falwell, and Ronald Reagan, with a little sprinkling of Billy Graham thrown in for good measure. He was larger than life, and he often overshadowed everyone around him, especially my mom.

I would go to him for discussions on doctrine, politics, and every day kinds of topics...but I shared my heart with Mom. It wasn't until I was married and had my children that I found out that my dad was jealous of my relationship with my mom.

Mom was my kindred spirit. We thought alike, and we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. She did a lot for me, since when I was born she was able to stay home and raise me. She taught me to love God passionately, to pray diligently, and to love reading.

She was my reading buddy. We would share books, and talk about what we liked and didn't like about certain authors. When I would hear a new book was going to release, I'd call her and we'd both get so excited about it! I still have certain authors that I love, but can't read right now for the memories of Mom.

I remember a dress my mom sewed for me. It was green check, with a gathered skirt and lace edged cap sleeves that tied with green ribbons. I hated that dress...made me feel like I should lie down and let people picnic on me...but I'd give anything to have that dress now. She was so proud of it, and it took so much to create it.

I was chubby, geeky, and awkward growing up. Mom made me feel like a princess. She helped me believe that I could do anything, be anything, and everything I did was brilliant, or at least close to it. She was my biggest fan, and I admired her.

Sometimes I can't remember anything. And then there are times that the memories flood over me til I feel as if I can't breathe for the pain. When I would feel so incredibly overwhelmed by life, Mom would throw me a lifeline and we would muddle through it together.

I knew I had finally become an adult when she would call me, crying on my shoulder about her struggles, and let me pull her out. We could both be in the foulest moods and then call each other...and an hour later feel so lighthearted again.

It's so hard to explain to people about this huge gaping hole in my heart. Everybody's mom is so special to them, and many other women feel close ot their moms. For those who aren't close to their own moms, it creates a void in their lives and I know this. Either way, when your mom dies, it's a deep hurt that never really goes away.

It's just that...our relationship went so deep. When I went to junior high, Dad discovered a love for trucking. By the time I was in high school, he was often gone early and back home late. By college, he was gone more often than he was home. It was just me and mom.

We'd do girlfriend things, like cooking different foods we liked and watching cheesy TV movies. We'd giggle together, and I pretty much told her everything about the guys in my life. She'd tell me her stories, and I'd tell her mine.

Once we went out for pizza on a Friday night. She noticed all the kids hanging out together and asked me if I was embarrassed to be out with her. I had no idea what she was talking about...her, embarrass me?? What was she thinking! I was proud to go out with her.

I know I'm incredibly blessed to have had a mom like mine, and to have enjoyed 42 years with such an amazing woman in my life. But, it wasn't enough. I wasn't done yet. And the richness we brought to each other...well, it kind of dried up. I feel like an empty husk at times, and a little lost.

Before you want to lecture me on how God is my all in all and my all sufficient, I already know all of those things. Believe me, God has gotten me through some incredibly dark days, and it is only through His grace and provision that I am doing as well as I am.

Those who know me expected me to be a basket case when my mom died. But I'm doing remarkably well, all things considered. It comes and goes, and I suppose it always will. As we approach the one year anniversary (oh, my...can it be so close???), I expect it will get harder.

As much as I complain, I know I'm an incredibly blessed woman. I have two children and a dear husband right now, sleeping peacefully as I type this, that have stood with me and held me up and let me weep...and allowed me to regain my footing these last few months.

My dear, sweet husband has basically carried me the entire time. I don't know that he has had his own time to grieve...and I know I have woefully not been the wife I once was. I'm trying to get back to being her...but it is so hard.

Some days it is all I can do to wake up and appear normal...not all, but some days are like this. Then others, I seem and am just fine. I really don't know why I'm sharing all of this with you. I just couldn't sleep...the words just kept coming and I knew I had to get them all down before they disappeared again.

Right now, despite the love I have in my family...despite the wondrous kinship I have with my husband...I feel so lonely. I ache to my bones with it.

I miss my mom.

Please, pray for me. I know it will ease once again...but for right now, it hurts...deeply.

Thank you for hanging in there with me on this post. I know it's long. My apologies.

Be blessed, my dear friends...

Deena